Be…untangled

Oh, what a tangled web we weave; when first we practice to deceive!

Sir Walter Scott,  Scottish author & novelist (1771 – 1832)

The month of June, or June 27th is an important day when we are invited to pause and reflect on the many dimensions of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. PTSD, unfortunately, remains hidden in plain sight for far too many folks. It is estimated that 76% of Canadians report having experienced a traumatic event during their lifetime. Stories of trauma experiences during childhood are alarmingly abundant. The invisible net of trauma is dangerously deep. Even if one escapes a traumatic experience during childhood, it may only be a matter of time before one may unknowingly opt into a career burdened with unspoken occupational hazards. The impact is real for many dedicated military personnel, law enforcement, firefighters, paramedics, healthcare professions, war correspondents, or photojournalists. 

There is hope for those suffering in silence. PTSD can be transformed if the appropriate support, resources, and tailored options are accessible. Safe spaces and trusted relationships foster a brighter approach to safely explore and examine trauma endured. First, we must seek and acknowledge both truth and reconciliation to step into and move through the painful reality of the experience. Lived experiences are unique, and quite possibly, no one else can begin to imagine the unspoken truth. Change will begin when we can honestly stand and share ‘What happened to me,’ not only with ourselves but with our supporting cast and crew. We must grant ourselves the grace we offer others. Simply…to be. Let it be. Let it go. Watch it go. An experience of buoyancy or lift; akin to watching with child-like wonder, a balloon floating gently off into the sky while it creates distance and offers hope only found in a new direction. Untethered and free.

I am unsure whether stepping into a new season of life or viewing a traumatic scene of The Sopranos set the stage and triggered a memory that I had unconsciously buried for almost 50 years. This story will begin and end in a stairwell. I began to notice constriction and tightness in my chest each time I entered the stairwell from the underground parkade. At first, I thought it resulted from COVID stay-at-home orders and less aerobic activity. To be honest, inactivity could also have been at play. However, it was more than feeling winded climbing the stairs. I was petrified and unsure why. When traveling alone, if I have a choice, I opt for outdoor parking lots. I began parking outside to avoid the stairwell. It took me a few anxious stairwell climbs to become mindful of a strong belief that I hold. “A grown-up should never approach a child for direction.” At first, I thought, it was the arrival of my grandson that was sparking protective thoughts. However, he was still an infant and certainly not at any risk of being approached for directions. So this unfounded fear didn’t make sense, or so I thought.

For years, I experienced night terrors. Those within my innermost circle have been supportive and cautiously caring as I jolt them from slumber. This experience has waxed and waned over the years and has never resolved until recently when I could finally recount and articulate my lived experience. This trauma experience then shone a light on many behaviours and assumptions that I have adopted into my life to ‘keep me safe.’

I needed to go back, back to the stairwell. I parked outside my childhood residence and was flooded with fragments of my story. Why would a grown man ask a small child for directions to an apartment # that didn’t exist? I naively and proudly marched him up to the 3rd floor. He said his friend lived on the 4th. There wasn’t a 4th floor in our building. I had no escape route. If there had been any witnesses, surely they would have intervened? But would a bystander comprehend what they were witnessing?
Like lifting a smoke-screen or peering through the morning fog, I finally understood the origin of the trauma experience that caused such an intense emotional reaction. Many times in my life, I did not know why I was perceived as intensely passionate about certain injustices, referred to as overly sensitive, or over-reacting to specific situations. I concluded that I must monitor my reactions to appear outwardly rational and calm. Perhaps  discussion my interpretation of issues was different from others.  Upon reflection, a few situations that triggered heightened emotions were challenged beliefs, loss of control or betrayal or unjust treatment by those I valued or trusted. After the trauma, I was left with decades filled with the feeling that I could not trust my welfare to anyone else in the world. This erosion of trust in self and others comes with a high cost to relationships, communication, family dynamics and closeness with others.

Many humans walking this earth are suffering from symptoms of PTSD. Whether they are recognized in full force or dormant, your openness and ability to recognize patterns in your emotional reactions are crucial to acknowledge triggers. The ability to identify and deal with triggers requires body awareness. One must learn their unique stress signatures, so to speak. The first step is to acknowledge you are being triggered as soon as the signs start in your body. This practice is not always easy without the help of a trusted and trained counselor.
*Recognize the changes in your body, breath and heart rate
*Invoke your mind and breath to help to calm the body.
* Label your emotions without judgment.
* Do not give into avoidance. It is common to want to flee or avoid.
* Correct your thinking about the trauma. This was not your fault.

How we replay the narrative of ‘what happened to you’ versus ‘what is wrong with you’ is transformational. Making sense of the world by adopting an alternative perspective that includes a trauma awareness lens will guide us to safely explore our past. This positive shift to observe and learn versus react and respond will influence how we form and maintain relationships. By adopting a compassionate lens, we can rebuild our playbooks to help us recognize the timing, patterns, and intensities of stressful life experiences within ourselves and others. Setting the stage to authentically extend the gift of being heard in hopes of releasing stories, raising resiliency, and supporting healing is the first step.

Dr. Bruce D. Perry & Oprah Winfrey (2021). What Happened To You? Conversations on Trauma, Resiliency, and Healing.

Canadian Psychological Association.

https://cpa.ca/sections/traumaticstress/simplefacts/